2001-02-20 - 09:17:10

im reading this girls thought pured out on paper and theyre so... not sad... but sorry. theyre just things you wish you could tell her were wrong but you cant, even thought they are wrong. she says shes ugly, and she doesnt like herself, and she alone, but i like her. i think shes so beautiful, maybe because shes the only person ive found that still thinks, or at least acts like they do. and i wish i could just give her a hug, but i cant. this girl is my friend, and im not sure whether she wants me to read these things im reading. either way, i did, and im held from reaction by fear. fear she'll tell me im an asshole, that i should never have done what i did, but i did... and its done. fuck.

now for some reason i think of heather. i think of heather because this girl was the only girl that was ever even remotly as intruiging, but i now find that this girl is more than i will ever see in heather. heather is fine, she'll be okay, she has someone to hug.

maybe its just me wanting to be near someone, wanting to actually be needed, to be in important in someone elses eyes. that sounds greedy. it is. for once, i want to be special, i want to be the only thing needed by someone else. i want to be the only thing there is to life. i want someone to love me. i want... shit, i dont know what i want... i want the impossible.

fuck. i dont want this introspective crap. i dont want to look at myself andsee nothing but shit. i dont want to have to deal. i want some fucking drugs, a gun, anything to keep me away from this shit. any suggestions? nope. none here. well, okay then. im going to have to trudge through another night of shit. i just wish i had some boots. maybe the kind with the little duck or frog on them. yeah.

the other day i slept for about twenty hours in a row. its wonderful missing a day like that, its one less day of the same thing... no monotony, no routine, just pure sleep. nothing but a dream or two to keep you connected to anything. just the sweet sweet black of sleep.

considering i... no, i dont want to do that. i was going to write my theories on the afterlife, and how heaven and hell are just two different interpretations of the same thing, but i dont want to, because then ill get all mopy, and ill want to die again, and thats just no fun. dammit. id sleep, but i think i might have to vomit. i dont know why, my stomach just hrts for some reason. so, now i choose: sleep or vomit? i have a feeling i'll just do this until one of them just happens.